Day 12 - Tom Wolfe

Friday, 21.07.2017
Woke up at 10. Listened to "Beast of Burden". Searched for a book I could read. Decided not to read Harry Potter again, its too boring. Done a walk outside with my electronic cigarette. Ate soup at Tonys and met Ulrike. She wants a golden snitch as a necklace. I read a little Tom Wolfe "Charlotte Simmons", decided this book is okay for my book-shop, but I am not motivated to read it by myself. Then went to the deaconship to print a letter for the employment agency. I also found four good books there and they only cost 2 Euro! Then Vincent visited me and I let him in my apartment for listening spotify music while I went to work. Basically cutting roses and watering the plants. My employer said 90 Euro are too much earning for the month for me. I have to reduce my work, so I only earn 70 Euro. Thats really mean. I hope I am allowed to do an aprenticeship, otherwise I kill myself. I am transgender and the psychotherapist doesnt take me seriously because I am also a psychotic. So thats a never ending roadwork. And I get depressed in that womans body. And then not allowed to earn money? Do I need  more reasons to kill myself? Chester Bannington had 6 children, millions on the account, a house near Los Angeles... I only wanna live a life whats for me. I only wanna travel someday. Not being poor so much. I really dont know what I am going to do, if they deny me working. Life is too precious to end the living, but I think then I really do Crystal Meth. What do I have to lose then? Last time they wanted to put me into sheltered workshop....

After work I frantic drunk a coffee and then we drove to a festival. But I recordnized I needed a break to recover, maybe 30 minutes, but I hadnt. So I was in a bad mood. We drank a beer near the supermarket and when we arrived at "Stuss am Fluss" (Which means: "Baloney at the river"), we experienced, that the entry was 5 Euro and I dont wanted to pay that much. I drove home and on the way I found a new package of Gauloises. Now, when I decided to stop smoking! God is a villian! At home I read Hermann Hesse and watched Seinfeld and The President Show. I drank the second beer and smoked Gauloises.

A mediocre day.